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A tale between siblings, a stranger, and an STD. Written after hearing some strange breakup tales of some strangers sleeping over at my cabin.
Mature
© 2004 - 2024 Rakista
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onewordatatime's avatar
The main issue that runs throughout this piece is the grammar and punctuation. Your prose is rather dense, and it seems like you make it more detailed and complex than it needs to be. Many sentences are near run-on's and there are issues with commas.

I won't go through each and every single sentence I saw, but I will go over a few sentences that represent constant problems within the piece.

By the summer of 2001...
This sentence is pretty much a run-on, and I suggest splitting it into separate sentences or removing some of the details.

Like paranoid 1950's fathers building bomb shelters in the backyard those that saw the fallout coming began to divest our stock portfolios and attempt to salvage enough monies to make it through the coming hard times.
One thing you do a lot is include an introductory clause without a comma after it, thus creating a rather confusing sentence. Place a comma after "backyard" and your thought will be clearer. This mistake is made several times through the piece, so be sure to do a read-through.

He was an avid biker and city walker, boy did he have the legs to show for it.
I'd consider a dash after "walker" instead of a comma. It would clarify that sort of interruption of the thought.

As an aside; his moniker may also of been the fact that you had to dig through his kitchen, his car, and his house to find anything as everything was hopelessly disheveled to outsiders.
Your use of a semicolon is incorrect. Both clauses need to function independently, and in this case they do not. You could use a colon or a comma and make it work.

Than and there Digger revealed to me why his sister was not at home, she was dying.
You might want a comma after "there."
Also, instead of that comma prior to "she" I suggest a dash, semicolon, or just cutting to a new sentences. This is something else I noticed in several instances--that is, you used a comma for a separate thought that should be in its own sentence.
Also, "than" should be "then," since you are denoted a time frame, not a comparison.

 About a decade ago she had went out to tour with the Grateful Dead and spent 2 years following them whoring herself from show to show...
It should be "she had gone" since you are using past perfect tense. "Went" is used alone in normal past tense.

...and well she was right.
Should be a commas after "well," since there would be a natural pause in speech.

If she had lived another year on their dime it would of bankrupted them.
"Would of" is grammatically incorrect. It's actually "would have" or "would've" if you contract it.

I muffled discontent, it would have been so nice to have slept in a clean queen bed next to him instead of playing like teenagers in his boyhood room with a Star Wars bedspread.
"Muffle" is not being used correctly. I think you mean something more like "mutter," "mumble," or "murmur." Also, if you have a verb, "discontented" should be in adverb form with the "ly" at the end, since that's what it's functioning as. I realize I may not be correct about your purpose, but that's something you should clarify I think.
The main issue is that the comma should either be replaced with a semicolon or dash. Or you can separate the clauses into separate sentences. I think they're related enough, the first two would suffice.

I learned quickly that no one sleeps here, but are expected to have their own apartments that nurses, counselors, and eventually the morgue would have access to.
"No one sleeps here" is a shift in tense. I suggest keeping as close to one tense as possible, just for clarity. So "no one slept there" instead.

I'll stop there. Basically, look for the kind of issues I pointed out, and read through the story looking for grammatical problems. If you are unsure, I suggest this excellent website: [link]


Otherwise, some spelling and usage issues...

...and is just the deluded mentations of the proud.
"Mentations" is not an actual word. Did you mean "lamentations"? Or something else?

The movie, “ Moulan Rouge “...
Moulan = Moulin

Wiped off the layer of condensate frost...
"Condensate" is not a real word. You'd technically want "condensed," but I'd also like note that condensation and frost are slightly different things. I think "condensation" would work fine if we're talking beer. If it's actually been frozen, frost.


In one portion, there's an exchange of dialogue between the narrator and Helen that is told by the narrator rather than spoken. I suggest making it spoken, simply because it would add some interest and variety to the story, which I think is what you need.
Also note that when you have a bit of dialogue, you should be cutting to a new paragraph. If the action shifts, cut to anothr paragraph after the dialogue.

Another issue is simply the details. Details are wonderful stuff, but don't overdo it. Evaluate what moves the story along, what adds good texture, and what bogs the story down. The dot-com referencing teaches me something about the narrator, but it doesn't relate well to how he interacts with Helen. Not everything needs a mutli-syllablic adjective to describe it. Allow some objects to be less described than others.

And lastly, just clean up the prose. There's a lot of abundance of style, but nothing holding it together. Either you are too loose or too tight, I can't tell, but try to let things flow and then edit them down a bit. You also have massive paragraphs and sentences. This can be really forboding for most readers. Try cutting them up a bit. It's sensory overload.
In line with that idea, think about the movement in the plot. I would have loved to read more than bits of those last three pages. If you can clean this up a bit and include that text, this would be more of a *story*. Right now, it cuts off too soon. Develop it! :)


OK, now the good stuff. Once I waded through the prose, I discovered some interesting characters. Helen is fascinating and I'd really love to know more about her (which is why I'd like to see a real ending). I think I could know more about her relationship tp Francis, but I get enough solid glimmers that I get it. The narrator has a definite attitude--you do well at conveying his voice.

And lastly, even though I criticized some of the overdone details, in several places I quite like them. The details in Helen's apartment especially, were revealing and quite nicely done. There's a style developing here that has promise, which is wonderful.

Just keep working with this, especially in regards to tightening up a bit. It would be wonderful to see this kind of story in a slightly more concise form, because I can definitely see the potential in the characters and bits of your style. :)

Ach, ja! :gummybear: